New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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