2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We were destined to go to rehab together
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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