Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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