just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
