Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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