i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
