i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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