I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
