doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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