mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
