Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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