i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
