you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
