My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
