Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I smell like Dick and happiness
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
