I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
