Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
