my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
