last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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