So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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