Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
They took my balls.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
