i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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