You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
