apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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