I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
