Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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