the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
