You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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