Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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