Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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