remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
