It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
