even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
