I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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