I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
