She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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