No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
false alarm, still single
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
