Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
