i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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