They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
