Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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