the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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