my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
