I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
