There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I AM VODKA MAN
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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