PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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