Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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