Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize