watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
