3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
