Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
