I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
