Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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