Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
