I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
